Kentucky Fried
by falcon-121
Summary: The team is briefed on a case involving a series of mysterious deaths at various KFC's. One-shot parody.


**AN: So this idea evolved from a commercial for KFC I saw a few weeks ago. Their new slogan is "Taste the unsub side of KFC," and of course, being the Criminal Minds fanatic that I am, the word "unsub" just jumped out at me. So I started a little joke on the message boards that I'm on that Colonel Sanders could be a serial killer, and then thought why not write a little one-shot for kicks and giggles. It is kind of spoofy, so call it silly, goofy, or crazy if you like, but please remember that it is all in good fun. Special thanks to cinny, who encouraged me to keep going with this idea. Thanks also goes to Ex, sparks, and TN, who all gave me support when I posted in on the message board. Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or KFC. This is unbeta'd. Please read and review.**

JJ looked at the file forwards, backwards, upside-down and sideways. She scrutinized it until almost going cross-eyed. However, none of it made any sense to her. People were dropping like flies at KFC's throughout the southeast. _Too bad that the actual flies aren't dropping, too,_ she thought. Since the cases were in multiple states, the FBI had jurisdiction. The head agent on the case, Patrick Nash, immediately thought that he had a serial killer and dropped off a copy of the file to JJ personally. So here she was, looking at a file that made little sense to her, and yet she was sure that this was the team's next case. She walked to Hotch's office, file in hand, and knocked on the door.

"Come in," Hotch said.

"Morning," JJ said with a smile upon entering. "Think I've got our next case."

"What've you got," Hotch asked.

"Agent Patrick Nash..."

"The KFC case," Hotch murmured to himself, interrupting JJ in the process.

"You're familiar with the case," JJ asked, puzzled.

"Yes. Nash is a friend of mine, he called me about the case. I told him to go through the channels."

"You have friends, Hotch?"

Hotch chuckled, which made JJ smile wider. He didn't laugh as much as he used to, so getting him to chuckle was quite an accomplishment.

"Yes," he answered, "When can you be ready for a briefing?"

"Right now."

Hotch smiled. "Ok, let's get everyone gathered up then."

"Yes sir," JJ said, leaving the office with Hotch on her heels. She headed straight to the conference room to get the projector warmed up while Hotch gathered the troops. Two minutes later, the briefing began.

The screen displayed a picture of the first crime scene. A man that appeared to weigh well over two hundred pounds lay flat on his stomach. Morgan fought back a slew of witty jokes that he probably would have let loose in his younger days.

"Ricky Rogers," JJ said, "32 years old, found dead at a KFC in Baltimore. His friends call him R&R. He worked at the KFC and was supposed to lock up."

"So he was the last one there," Rossi thought out loud.

"Yes. Cause of death was suffocation. He choked."

"So then how are these murders," Morgan asked.

"Because what was lodged in his throat was not something that someone would stick into their own mouth," JJ said, clicking to an image of a chicken wing in a dish.

"He had a whole chicken wing in his throat," Emily asked, wide-eyed.

JJ nodded. "It happens to be a Buffalo Boneless Wing from KFC. This was found lodged in the victim's throat. We know for a fact that the Unsub forced it in."

"How," Morgan asked impatiently.

"Let her finish," Hotch said. JJ nodded a thank you in his direction, then clicked to a picture of a second man, much skinnier than the first.

"Eric Hartman," she said, "22, found dead at a KFC in D.C. Same COD as Rogers. Hartman was also on lock-up duty, so he was supposed to be the last to leave."

She flipped to a third picture, this one of a man with spiky black hair and three studs in his right ear.

"Brian Caldwell, 26, was found in Richmond, Virginia. All the details are the same, but this time it was caught on security tape."

She clicked and a grainy black and white video popped up. Caldwell was alone in the cooking area, mopping up the daily mess. He stopped and looked over to his right. What he saw obviously surprised him, because he dropped his mop and took two steps back. A man, dressed completely in black, entered the shot. He pinned Caldwell to the wall easily, held his jaw wide open and forced something down his mouth. He watched as Caldwell choked, slowly slumping down the wall as he died.

"Eww," shrieked Garcia. She had just entered and exited almost as quickly, choosing to wait outside. The team ignored her, as the next part of the tape was important. The killer faced the camera, but he wore a mask.

"Colonel Sanders," Emily said, shaking her head at the ridiculousness of it.

"Yup," JJ said, turning off the projector. "It's safe now, Garcia."

Thanks, sweetie," the always colorful Garcia said, entering with her laptop and taking a seat beside Morgan. JJ also took a seat, her part of the bargain was up.

"So Colonel Sanders is killing people at his own restaurant with his own food," Morgan asked with a dry laugh.

"Always thought there was something fishy about that guy," Rossi said.

"Like _what,"_ Emily asked, staring hard at Rossi. "He's a black and white drawing for crying out loud!"

"Yeah, an uber creepy one," Garcia said.

JJ rolled her eyes.

"What," Garcia asked, "Don't tell me that having that guy staring at you while you are chowing down isn't a little creepy!"

JJ shrugged.

"Um, guys," Reid piped up, "Who is Colonel Sanders?"

The whole team gave Reid a look that said "Did you _really_ just ask that?" Hotch simply covered his eyes with his hand and shook his head at how chaotic the briefing had become.

"Apparently he is our Unsub," he said, "Wheels up in twenty minutes."


End file.
